I’ve been thinking about something lately, and I’m wondering if you do this too. Somehow, without anyone actually asking us to, we can walk into a situation and immediately start trying to prove that we can handle it. We help, we fix, we take care of things, we squeeze one more thing into the day, and before we know it, we’re carrying more than we probably should.
I know I do this. Part of it is simply that I like being dependable. I like being someone people can count on. If something needs to be done, I usually want to help figure it out. There is nothing wrong with that, but lately I’ve been asking myself whether every yes really comes from that place.
Sometimes I think I say yes because I genuinely want to help. Other times, I wonder if I’m doing it because I don’t want someone to think I’m difficult or selfish. There are moments when I take something on because I want to prove that I can handle it, and if I’m really honest, there are probably times when I hope that doing a little more will make someone appreciate me a little more too.
That is not the easiest thing to admit.
Last week I wrote about what it feels like when you don’t feel seen or valued, and I think this is the part of that conversation I wasn’t finished with. When we feel overlooked, a lot of us do not pull back. We do more. We work harder. We become even more dependable. We try to make ourselves impossible to overlook.
The problem is that it gets exhausting.
I’ve started wondering why saying, “I don’t have room for that right now,” can feel so much harder than simply squeezing it in. Why does rest sometimes make me feel guilty if I know there is still something I could be doing? Why do I sometimes feel like I need a perfectly good explanation for saying no?
Nobody is standing there grading me, yet I can still act like I’m being scored.
I think a lot of women become very good at being capable. We manage work, family, relationships, appointments, homes, projects, and all the random things that live in the back of our minds. We get so good at handling things that people naturally start bringing us more things to handle. And because we can do it, we start believing we should.
I’m learning that those are not the same thing.
Just because I can take something on does not mean it belongs to me. Just because I technically have enough time does not mean I have the energy. Just because someone needs help does not always mean I have to be the one who provides it.
That can feel uncomfortable when you have built part of your identity around being dependable. Slowing down can feel almost like changing the rules. You start wondering whether people will notice, whether they will be disappointed, or whether something will fall apart if you are not the one holding it together.
And then there is an even bigger question: if I am not always the one doing, fixing, helping, or solving, who am I?
That one made me stop.
I think being needed can sometimes feel a lot like being valued, but they are not always the same thing. Someone may need what I can do, but that is different from valuing who I am. I do not want my sense of worth to depend entirely on how useful I can make myself.
I want to believe that I still matter when I am not accomplishing something. I want to believe that taking a break does not erase all the ways I show up. I want to be able to say no to one thing without somehow deciding that makes me selfish or unreliable.
It sounds obvious when I say it out loud, but living it is another story.
I’ve also been paying more attention to resentment. Not because I want to be resentful, but because I think resentment sometimes tells us something we have been avoiding. Maybe I said yes when I wanted to say no. Maybe I agreed to something and quietly expected someone to notice how much effort it took. Maybe I kept giving because I hoped that eventually someone would give the same energy back.
Sometimes resentment is not just about what someone else did. Sometimes it is a sign that I ignored what I needed.
That is another uncomfortable truth, but it is helpful.
So I’m trying to pause a little more before I automatically say yes. I want to ask myself whether I actually want to do something, whether I have room for it, whether it matters to me, and whether I am helping because I care or because I am afraid of disappointing someone.
I know I am not going to get this right every time. I am still going to say yes too quickly sometimes. I am still going to take on too much. I am still going to convince myself that one more thing will somehow fit into a day that is already full.
But maybe noticing the pattern is enough to start changing it.
I do not want to become less caring. I do not want to become less generous. I still want to be someone people can count on. I just want those things to come from choice instead of pressure.
I want to help because I care, not because I am trying to prove that I am a good person. I want to work hard because something matters to me, not because being busy makes me feel valuable. I want to say yes because I mean it, and I want to be able to say no without spending the rest of the day wondering whether everyone is upset with me.
I think that is what I am working on this week. Not becoming someone completely different, but letting go of the idea that I constantly have to earn my place.
A little less proving. A little more trusting myself.
Maybe we do not need to keep showing everyone how much we can carry. Maybe sometimes we can put something down and realize we are still just as valuable without it.I’ve been thinking about something lately, and I’m wondering if you do this too. Somehow, without anyone actually asking us to, we can walk into a situation and immediately start trying to prove that we can handle it. We help, we fix, we take care of things, we squeeze one more thing into the day, and before we know it, we’re carrying more than we probably should.
I know I do this. Part of it is simply that I like being dependable. I like being someone people can count on. If something needs to be done, I usually want to help figure it out. There is nothing wrong with that, but lately I’ve been asking myself whether every yes really comes from that place.
Sometimes I think I say yes because I genuinely want to help. Other times, I wonder if I’m doing it because I don’t want someone to think I’m difficult or selfish. There are moments when I take something on because I want to prove that I can handle it, and if I’m really honest, there are probably times when I hope that doing a little more will make someone appreciate me a little more too.
That is not the easiest thing to admit.
Last week I wrote about what it feels like when you don’t feel seen or valued, and I think this is the part of that conversation I wasn’t finished with. When we feel overlooked, a lot of us do not pull back. We do more. We work harder. We become even more dependable. We try to make ourselves impossible to overlook.
The problem is that it gets exhausting.
I’ve started wondering why saying, “I don’t have room for that right now,” can feel so much harder than simply squeezing it in. Why does rest sometimes make me feel guilty if I know there is still something I could be doing? Why do I sometimes feel like I need a perfectly good explanation for saying no?
Nobody is standing there grading me, yet I can still act like I’m being scored.
I think a lot of women become very good at being capable. We manage work, family, relationships, appointments, homes, projects, and all the random things that live in the back of our minds. We get so good at handling things that people naturally start bringing us more things to handle. And because we can do it, we start believing we should.
I’m learning that those are not the same thing.
Just because I can take something on does not mean it belongs to me. Just because I technically have enough time does not mean I have the energy. Just because someone needs help does not always mean I have to be the one who provides it.
That can feel uncomfortable when you have built part of your identity around being dependable. Slowing down can feel almost like changing the rules. You start wondering whether people will notice, whether they will be disappointed, or whether something will fall apart if you are not the one holding it together.
And then there is an even bigger question: if I am not always the one doing, fixing, helping, or solving, who am I?
That one made me stop.
I think being needed can sometimes feel a lot like being valued, but they are not always the same thing. Someone may need what I can do, but that is different from valuing who I am. I do not want my sense of worth to depend entirely on how useful I can make myself.
I want to believe that I still matter when I am not accomplishing something. I want to believe that taking a break does not erase all the ways I show up. I want to be able to say no to one thing without somehow deciding that makes me selfish or unreliable.
It sounds obvious when I say it out loud, but living it is another story.
I’ve also been paying more attention to resentment. Not because I want to be resentful, but because I think resentment sometimes tells us something we have been avoiding. Maybe I said yes when I wanted to say no. Maybe I agreed to something and quietly expected someone to notice how much effort it took. Maybe I kept giving because I hoped that eventually someone would give the same energy back.
Sometimes resentment is not just about what someone else did. Sometimes it is a sign that I ignored what I needed.
That is another uncomfortable truth, but it is helpful.
So I’m trying to pause a little more before I automatically say yes. I want to ask myself whether I actually want to do something, whether I have room for it, whether it matters to me, and whether I am helping because I care or because I am afraid of disappointing someone.
I know I am not going to get this right every time. I am still going to say yes too quickly sometimes. I am still going to take on too much. I am still going to convince myself that one more thing will somehow fit into a day that is already full.
But maybe noticing the pattern is enough to start changing it.
I do not want to become less caring. I do not want to become less generous. I still want to be someone people can count on. I just want those things to come from choice instead of pressure.
I want to help because I care, not because I am trying to prove that I am a good person. I want to work hard because something matters to me, not because being busy makes me feel valuable. I want to say yes because I mean it, and I want to be able to say no without spending the rest of the day wondering whether everyone is upset with me.
I think that is what I am working on this week. Not becoming someone completely different, but letting go of the idea that I constantly have to earn my place.
A little less proving. A little more trusting myself.
Maybe we do not need to keep showing everyone how much we can carry. Maybe sometimes we can put something down and realize we are still just as valuable without it.
